These past couple of years made me realise how many people are actually affected by mental illnesses and it's scary but somehow reassuring that so many people can relate to how you feel.
I can guarantee that some of my family and friends reading this will be surprised and automatically assume the worst but no, I don't have anxiety attacks everyday and yes, I am fine. What encouraged me to speak out about this is how people who do suffer from anxiety, depression or any other kind of mental illness are made to feel ashamed or uncomfortable about speaking out about it but really it should be talked about and not brushed under the mat.
Anxiety can affect your day to day life and some days are better than others. Some days you will wake up in a good mood, feel confident and feel like you can take on the world but then this starts to deteriorates throughout the day.
You start the day talking with your friends but if you feel like they're being quiet or not saying a lot then it begins to affect you. Your mood lowers and you begin to be quiet and once you stop talking it's so hard to start again. You don't say anything because you think that nobody wants to talk to you so you don't even try to start a conversation. I know it sounds so silly but it happens and something this small can make affect you so much.
For me personally, I find it so difficult to meet new people. I feel like there's this constant expectation that I have to be a certain kind of person and more often then not I avoid meeting new people at any cost just because I don't have the energy to try and have a conversation. The same as if i'm with someone I know but they're with people I don't know, I feel out of place and a burden. I feel like they only invited me because they felt they had too so again I go quiet and begin to feel drained. Again, i'm sure this was far from the truth but there's always that voice in your mind telling you to go home.
On a bad day, I woke up and didn't feel so good about myself, I just threw on clothes, didn't bother about make-up and left the house to go to my lecture. When I was waiting to go into the lecture hall I just began to panic and worry. I thought if I walked in then everyone would look at me and think "What is she wearing?" or "She looks so different without make-up". I thought that if they see me sitting alone then they're going to think i'm weird. Whilst these thoughts were channeling through my head I had to go out and get some air. In the end I couldn't bring myself to go in so I had to turn and go back home.
The harsh reality of anxiety is that you tend to push people away without even realising but you do get better. Some days may be challenging but when you do have good friends and people you can rely on and talk to then things do get easier. It's all about balance. When you are surrounded by more negative thoughts and energy than good (so if you're by yourself with people you don't know) then it will be a bad day and you will feel awful but if you spend more time with people who know how to make you happy and feel comfortable around then you will feel so much better.
This generation is struggling so much mentally. There are so many unrealistic expectations from the way you look, how many "likes" you get, to how much money you're earning. It is time to take a step back and look at what's actually important which is each other's mental wellbeing. This could be your self esteem, your confidence, your friends around you.
Not everyones experiences things in the same way but this is my experience. It is okay to speak to someone about mental health and it is okay to struggle sometimes.
Take Care Of Yourself xox
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